so, here i will do something that is more interesting than what i've done before. Over the years i experienced different kinds of reactions from drama, the different conflicts that happen world wide or simply things that happen at home, which i don't want to mention. I take inspiration from mentally damaged people, since the shattered world view of a person is so interesting to look at

it's a fresh new look on what one individual might experience, while the other "normal" person is like the others. In this experiment, i will reach out to you with 1 song daily. 1 image daily, or even 1 drawing daily.

Im doing this experiment, to see what my psyche will give the viewer. What i am feeling, and how i'd like to portray the feeling, based on my current surviving and fighting mental state. Viewers beware.

The results will be uploaded either here, or on soundcloud/instagram. We'll see!

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Day 1

For day 1 i start with two pictures. One of which is a depiction of my current situation, and the other is a self portrait. Something i haven't done in years. The picture on the left, depicts the gross neglect of mental health, since my therapist told me that going outside and taking lots of nature in, really benefits your mental health and causes you to improve. Hence the "it would benefit your mental health". Of course it does.

the lock on the left, depicts my inability to properly change things. I should be outside, i should change things, but somehow i am not doing it. The stand and walk symbol amplifies this. I know what to do, but either mental health of laziness keeps me from it.

On the right is a self-portrait that i got inspiration from by Bryan Lewis Saunders. I might create more of these, since his art really inspired me on the depths of self expression and how art can be used as a tool to show the world how you feel, who you are and what you are. The portrait doesn't look good, but that should be expected from someone who hasn't drawn in over a decade. More might be added. But nothing is promised.

above this self portrait is also partly text from a journal entry.

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Day 2

Day 2 arrived and this is a picture i actually worked on 13 hours ago but didn't post because it would've been too early to do so. I had to make this image cause in the recent few months i've been confronted with nothing but negativity, hatred, sadness and much more division. It's something that really mentally strains me of energy, and i constantly come to this nihilistic question if things will ever change for the better.

It is really sad, how we as a human species moved forward. Is there anything such as love anymore? Real love? Brotherly friendship? A spark of happiness???? It is truly terrible to witness this current state of the earth. It pains me in my soul. It rips a wide black hole open. And the worst part is, it just gets worse and worse. Im not sure what to say anymore, how to act and how to be okay with all of this. Im not. And that's all i can really say to that.

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Day 3

Day 3 arrived. For day 3 i got no art for you sadly. But i have a brand new track! Fucking hardcore ! This is dedicated to summer heat and true crime. Some thoughts from 2015 still remained! Still love blood and knives. But morality also remained, and i wouldn't wish to harm anyone. Im past that, and im thankful for that time ending. Enough babbling on. Here we have a new track! Enjoy!

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Day 4

I don't have much to say to this image, except that i feel sadness and sorrow for people ++around me++. It's day 4, and this image accurately (almost) represents my feelings for today. Though im ++not++ implying that i feel ++suicidal++ ( ! which has luckily died down for now ! ) i still feel like it's an accurate representation of what i'd like to express for day 4. I'm rambling. Bla bla bla. Tomorrow surely is gonna be better !

JUST TO CLARIFY! THIS IMAGE DOES NOT MEAN IM SUICIDAL! THIS WAS DIRECTED AT OTHER PEOPLE! NOT ME!

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Day 5

I don't feel good today (shit when do i ever, lmao). And so i made this pic. This project feels a little bit like super ego feeding, because im complaining and complaining and complaining. But what can i do. I must express feelings in any shape or form, or else i will go even more insane than i already am, mental health wise. I'm dedicating this picture to other loners aswell who stepped in my shoes as i stepped in theirs. Isolation can feel like a prison cell. I never went to prison before, but from what i can assume is that my current state of life is no different than time spent in prison. Daily schedule.

With the exception of course that i can still go outside, which i should do more often. None of this is AI-Generated and is purely OC. Isolation can also be good (it's majorly bad). I'm not fond of this generation and it's people. Perhaps it's the result of being fed with bad news over and over again, which births nihilism and misanthropy. But what do i know.

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Day 6

Almost a week has passed since i started my project and im still going luckily! I sadly don't have much to show you today, i am relatively empty. Been feeling a bit weird this morning and had stomach cramps a bit. But im good.

Got things to do today, and i hope im gonna go through it, like butter. Hopefully everythings gonna be just fine. See you tomorrow :) !

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Day 7

It's Day 7. It has been a pretty turbulent and shitty day. I will not say much to this image and let you make a picture of it. Symbolism. Effect. Style. Much more will surely let you theorize how it went today. I don't wanna talk about it.

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Day 8

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Unfortunately i have tried several times to kind of express in a visual way, how i feel today. I failed miserably. However, i do have a track right here that i just fixed up a little, resembling the inner turbulence that has been shaking me up for the last couple of months. Nearly half of the year is gone already, and it was worrisome! Troubled, and as always very difficult.

However, i guess what i can look forward to is that i made it through this time, without taking myself out. Not that i ever would. But i am still here! Alive and kicking. Soon 21, yippee. Enough babbling

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Day 9

Good Evening, it's Day 9! I will be spending another inpatient stay at the hospital. This image captures my inability to utter out my problems. Not that i am shy to speak out against what bugs me, but sometimes you can't really put into words how you feel. That's just me. Often times, i feel terrible, without knowing how to properly voice, why that is.

And when people try to help me, im not sure how they should be helping me or how they could be helping me. It's really difficult sometimes, and i don't know why im like this. Anyways ! Shit this Project turned more into a vent-channel than a creative art channel. Well, that's life. I feel terrible often times ! So here is how i feel on the daily. And today, is just another one of those days where im not sure what exactly to feel. Thanks for watching! See you tomorrow !

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Day 10

It is day 10! For day 10 i have no venting stuff. Can you believe it? This right here is the visualization of Cake Tracker ! A tracker that i've discussed on Discord many many months ago. I talked about how i'd like to perhaps create my own tracker with the same functions as impulse tracker... but in pink!

I think the pink just gives it something special... Yeah! That's all!

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Day 11

Day 11 is here. 3 More days and then i have this project running for nearly two weeks, which is a big achievement for me, since schedule and plan wise i am terrible. I always keep empty promises. Not anymore. I wouldn't want that to happen again.

For Day 11 im bringing you an edited pic of a wheat field that i took today on a walk. It was a bit of a gloomy day, so this view brightened everything a bit up. Got a pretty busy week ahead of me, and i'd like to give this to you on the way to monday! (Sounds super boomer to say but yeah). It's important for you to enjoy nature as much as possible, because nature is the soul's gas station. You fill up with fresh air and views, and your mental health seems a bit brighter. Enjoy!

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Day 12

I'm spending my last night at my current location. I'm a bit stunted with my awareness today because i've been severely wrecking my health yesterday and today aswell. Today with alcohol, yesterday with food. I guess im in a somewhat confused and cloudy state. I've been told that my eyes look murky. Caffeine i guess somewhat lowered the effect of being drunk. Im drunk the last day actually. Then it's off to the hospital.

I don't know how long i will stay there. Perhaps a few weeks. Mental health sucks often times. I'm gonna be alright though for sure.

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Day 13

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It's about 9:12PM and right now im sitting in my room after quite a long day. This is not gonna be really much of an achievement that i had to take drastic measures, just so i can keep my mental health on surface level. I had alot to take in, therefor i will only leave you with images today of the sunset and the beauty of living in the country.

I hope ya'll understand! I know what was wrong with me. I am rusty in my faith. I still have it, and it never went away. But i sin, i sin, i sin, and that is most likely the biggest cause of my mental issues. I'm tired of venting aswell. Most of this project was nothing but sadness! Sorry! :-( Then again... can't keep it inside my body forever. See you tomorrow!

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Day 14

For two weeks i got this challenge now running. Not looking good. Picture wise yes, mental health wise, not even close to good. I'm leaving today short and sweet. I will leave up to your imagination how i am feeling.

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Day 15

This is most likely the best way i can describe my overall mood for today. Faceless. Void of an identity or emotion. Not sure what the major factor for it was. Was it maybe the summer heat? Was it the fact that i still have to get used to people? Was it the fact that i got those same mundane thoughts of hopelessness regarding my mental state? Actually i will take back that sorry from 2-3 days ago where i apologized for turning this project into a vent blog.

Expressing feelings is very important! It's how humans can move on from pain. And it's also a good way to express sorrow and grow from it.

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Day 16

On Day 16 i luckily have a bit of a more positive approach to my day. Yesterday i got to spend a bit of time with fellow patients at a round table where we listened to music and people played games. I think that was the first time ever, where i got a bit closer to people. I barely talked, but with glances and a few comments maybe i do think that i made somewhat of a positive impact on people.

I also went for a walk with my therapy group and i talked with someone there through the entirety of my walk which was nice, but felt unfamiliar cause i didn't do it for ages. All in all, this day was okay. It wasn't that bad. Which is good! One step at a time.

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Day 17

I found out something interesting earlier on through my brother who i finally met after like almost a week or so. He told me that the negative effects of caffeine can impact your mood and your sleep aswell, when you go detox. That surprised me because i now finally know why i was so sleepy all the time and in an incredibly stressed and bad mood which impacted me more than it usually would. My body is wired onto caffeine... And now im like.... 5 days without it and my mental health is all over the place.

Todays image represents how my mood got impacted today. Consumption of negative media. I for one, am sick of people mocking my faith. And only my faith. Mocking God without any hesitation. They mock no God, but him, despite him being the friendliest, kindest and wisest. He spoke the truth, which noone nowadays wants to hear. Anyways, consumption of negative media greatly impacts my mental health. The more tender you become feelings wise, the harder the news hit you. Today and yesterday was just "one of those days" .....

Other than that, someone tried to hack me today. Yay. Luckily you didn't succeed. Not sure what that would do with my mental health. But.... just saying.... taking something away from someone who already is at the edge of heaven anyways is not something you really want... unless your cold hearted self loves to see blood on your hands... See you tomorrow! (boy this was a long entry...)

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Day 18

I am editing this from a phone lol. I completely forgot to do something today. Today was relatively neutral... I neither felt sad or happy. Editing on a phone is a pain in the ass, but if i don't do it now, i might forget and fail this 30 day challenge. So im doing it now! Im sitting with buds, enjoying a drink! As my caption reads.... Where are YOU today?

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Day 19

Alright this time i won't finish my art on the last minute. Now i got lots of time! (Well... of my day left, cause i got an appointment in like 12 minutes, but i digress!) It's Day 19 and this picture feels super special. Digital Editing was not the only component of this image! The 2 halves you see. Dark/White and Red, were hand drawn! With special pens. Forgot their names though... They are very great for digital editing aswell to import. I will use more types of pencils for my work soon hopefully. When therapists even allow it, though i will also perhaps get such pens when im outta here.

I'm getting more and more used to my environment and the people here which is a good thing. Let's hope it only goes uphill from here on !

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Day 20

Phew.... I really have nothing in my head today. My day went fine, but i do not have a single idea how i could possibly portray my feelings for today, since nothing special happened to begin with. It was pretty uneventful. I almost forgot even uploading something for today, which was dangerous! I wanna finish my challenge! So i will leave you with this...

I should do some more edits, newspaper/article based... you can pull out basically anything!

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Day 21

I had a pretty weird migrane this morning and early on into the noon. It felt like there was an elastic band strapped around my head, but i only felt the tension of it on the back of my head. Not in the front. Yesterday there was a little incident that the patients had to witness of someone who obviously wasn't well.

That person basically isn't here anymore. But it sure was odd to witness. I only witnessed half of the entire story and next morning the other patients told me about it. Seemed to really shake those who witnessed 100% of it... So yeah! Yesterday was fun, but near the end turned turbulent. The rest of my current day is meh. Okay! But let's see what the rest brings.

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Day 22

I think i can express my thoughts for today more clearly than usual. I had a mix of three things. Today felt blue and grey. Gloomy, but like OK. I am debating myself if i should stay here or not. It feels like i am somewhat bothered by the people here. It's a mix of feelings. When im isolated, i feel like shit. But when people are around me, i feel uncomfortable because i hardly know these people... It doesn't feel like i really fit in with them. And it pains me to know that.

What i also thought about, was the fact that so many people out there in the world are laughing. Happiness for them. But that happiness soon comes to a screeching halt. And it pains me to find out what happens to them. Those of course who are carefree. Who don't need to worry, because of their blindness. Through happiness, sadness, anger and sorrow, there is one goal... And many know what it is. But many don't believe in it without educating themselves. Many deny it. Many don't want it. It pains me. It hits my heart. I got nothing else to say.

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Day 23

I think for today i actually felt real frustration or even anger again. It might have actually been anger... i told my therapist im not really sure how to properly detect emotions that i can pin point. By that i mean that i can't exactly tell when i am happy, when i am sad, when i am angry OR how my overall mood is for the day. Often times i can only describe it as neutral.

My head is stuck in the past. I'm filled with regret. Many of course would say "this is super personal. why share it?" im sharing my troubles with the world, because i want to. I want the world to see, that emotions are valid and should be recognized. I'm faulty, so are you. But my main issue is the whole past thing. I am really stuck in the past. Piling regret. " live in the here and now! " If only it was that easy....

Oh also! Before i forget! this is my first gif! :)

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Day 24

It was a boring and gloomy day. I woke up today feeling strangely well. I had nearly no notifications on my phone. I felt like i slept 12 hours and i felt good. When i had breakfast, someone from my lower station greeted me out of nowhere. I felt really weird cause that usually doesn't happen, but at the same time i was feeling good.

I thanked God for letting me live another day, and later on in the evening i saw a movie with the patients i had at the time. So far, the day was pretty uneventful, but not terrible. It could be worse. I guess im okay! And... i got nothing more to add really... it's one of many uneventful, quite boring days... but im still alive. Im breathing, eating and sleeping. And i got God. I'm okay :)

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Day 25

I was relatively empty today, thoughts wise. It was an okay day. I wasn't happy, i wasn't sad. It was more neutral. But man this challenge and my daily writing is becoming tiring... I couldn't continue this on even if i wanted to.... My creativity has limits....

This image represents preparations ! Falling grams of fat, saved up for my pizza that i love so much! And it's worth it, cause each week i lose a kilo, and then add it back with that Pizza. That weight is not mine though... Merely a demonstration though ;)

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Day 26

I felt pretty frustrated, angry and annoyed today. Mainly because of an incident that occured yesterday at the dinner table. 4 people who told me some really nasty stuff. And it made me angry. And they don't know that i am angry because of them, and i don't want to tell them. Anyways this track right here perfectly mirrored my mood.

I was pissed. And im not gonna spend time with them today. Im not gonna pair myself with such people and i will not be their friend either. That's all i gotta say. Terrible people. Especially one of them, who laughs when someone tells a sad story. What is wrong inside your head.

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Day 27

All i want to say today is Fuck You. Fuck. You. Not to my audience, not to my fans. But FUCK YOU. To certain someones. That's all. Fuck You. Piece of Shit.

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Day 28

Do you ever have one of those days, where your head is like, completely empty? Where you completely shut down when it comes to creativity, inspiration and more? You just live through the day... Not caring about a thing. Anything can happen. And you just take it as it comes... And that is how i felt today... I had no idea! What to design and what to make... All i had, was a little bit of help from therapists, to adress a problem that has been gnawing on my neck for ages.

Even my brother helped me out with a few problems that i discussed with him. Now im here. Close to midnight. And this is what i have... If only i knew, how i felt today! Or what to say !

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Day 29

My page hit 1.000 views today. Yay! This is Day 29 and this day was perhaps the worst out of the entire month since i kept this challenge running. yadda yadda, self loathing i know, don't remind me. As this image shows, i felt corrupted today. I felt terrible. I don't know what caused it, but today feels like im having a giant hangover, minus the headache, multiplied with the boost of depression. I felt at my lowest today, and i don't know what caused it. I was bored... But i did everything normal. I wish to leave the hospital, i wish to distance myself from the people...

Don't get me wrong, not everyone at that hospital sucks. For 3-4 people im like "Ehhh... " For one person active there im like "Fuck You" and the rest are elderly people... I wish i left. It didn't bring me much yet... Someone told me to wait it out. I don't know about you, but times are gonna get really tough in August...

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Day 30 - - - THE END

This is Day 30! This is the last image i have for my 30 day challenge and im happy that i managed to pull through, without giving up on stuff that i usually give up on. I sticked through! And it was tough. Often times i had absolutely no idea what to even do.... Fast forward 30 days and here i am !

I tried a really spicy chili today... A chili which blew me away and made 2 big tears flow down my cheeks with my face being tomato red. This Chili had a Scoville Heat Unit of 400.000. The heat didn't last that long but man! You couldn't eat a thing without feeling the spice from that chili. I love spicy food though still. Makes me tear up and giggle.

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I want to thank everyone who sticked around for this challenge! I might do a collage for my instagram page of the 30 day challenge. Maybe i will do something similar to this in the future again. Thanks for watching !